Smokerette

perpetual single motherhood?

2011-12-05T17:45:00.001Z

I dream of the day when I can come home after a busy day and know there will be someone there to give me a hand with the kids, tea, tidying. Though, I am extremely pessimistic it will ever happen. :-( I know it happens. (I was a step-parent myself... One who put a lot of love and effort into her step-child. I still love her now and miss her immensely.) But, I just cannot see anyone ever loving/liking me enough to move in with me and be a co-parent let alone properly love my kids. Hmm... I have just sort of resigned myself to being a single Mom forever... Or at least until my kids are grown and gone. I just think "if the one person who pledged his undying love to me and is the actual father of my children now hates me how the fuck will anyone ever love me?" What a horrible attitude to have, eh? I suppose it is to be expected after years of being told how thick, slow, dirty, childish, and lazy I am. (even if I know I am NOT) Who knows... Perhaps a Prince/Princess Charming will come along one day and prove me wrong. ;-) I mean, there are people who I like/fancy/admire and would possibly start a relationship with but I am a little bit apprehensive to (attempt) do so. I don't want to get all caught up only to find they don't actually care about my kids or me. That would hurt. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, my kids and I are a package deal. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. Now that I do have children, a life without kids seems so boring and lonely. I'm not saying childless people are boring and lonely AT ALL just that I, personally, can't imagine having that life now. I am determined not to let my slightly depressing attitude hold me back though. And god do I wish I didn't love sex so fucking much. I won't even get into how I feel about my physical appearance. :(

Anyway, time to get on with those jobs. Nappy changes, tea, washing up, sweeping, hoovering, wiping down, putting toys away, bath, getting into pyjamas, brushing teeth, giving milk, carrying up to bed, tucking in, waking in the night to give more milk or take to toilet, etc.

:-)

also, I suspect this might be a fairly standard/common thought process/feeling amongst single Mums.

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Slept in, still tired

2011-10-27T20:00:00.000+01:00

Louis didn't wake me up until 830 today. I had planned on being on the 922 bus down to Cranham Drive but obviously that wasn't going to happen. So I ended up getting on the 1022 as I needed a shower and to tidy up the kitchen.

As I was leaving my house and locking up I kept seeing flashing out of the corner of my eye and hearing cracking. I looked closer and saw the neighbours bins were on fire. (you know, the bins they fucking stole from ME) So I quickly ran over and knocked on their door. A girl answered, I pointed at the bins and said "Your bin is on fire". She just looked over and said "oh...", blew on it a bit, and went back inside. Uh... Ok...It had obviously been deliberately set on fire. Do I really live in an area that your bins being set alight warrants no more response than an emotionless "oh..."? double-u-tee-eff smh

So I finally made it to the ex's flat. Louis watched The Polar Express and Imogen played on the floor whilst I sorted through some of my junk there. Ex's other daughter is probably moving in there so it needs to all be moved soon. I did manage to find Louis' old Halloween costume for Imogen to wear. Their Dad says he'll buy Louis a costume on Saturday.

Speaking of Halloween, I've been invited to a party. I'm looking forward to it even if I am a bit (ok, a lot) nervous about talking to new people. It's really cheered me up and I've found that this last day or so has been easier because I have something to look forward to.

Ex and I have agreed that we are friends now. He was frustrated with me for "doing things that friends don't do with each other"... like texting him to say good night and stuff. But today as I was leaving he kissed me full on the mouth. I think he's confused. *shrug* :-/ I guess it's hard to get out of the habit because up until the day I moved out we were still getting on OK. Long chats in the evening, kisses, cuddles, great sex. I dunno... it's just a shit situation for everyone involved.

I've also received an extremely lovely email from a friend. It's made me feel really cared about and loved. Actually, I can't even write any more because I'm so touched by it. So I'll write more tomorrow. :)

Sleeping and not talking

2011-10-26T20:22:00.000+01:00

You know how sometimes you wake up laughing or crying? Well, I do anyway. Last night I dreamt that Imogen had covered her clothes in food and needed to be changed. I started undressing her in my dream. I woke up and was actually undressing her one handed while she was nursing. She was laying there naked from the waste up in a freezing cold room. massive WTF. It's still freaking me out a bit now. I hope I don't become one of those people who eat in their sleep and gain 200lbs when they can't even remember eating.

I also dreamt I as getting a new tattoo but had to stop it as I realized I had no money.

As soon as I woke up for the day I turned off my mobile and left it on my mattress upstairs. I didn't want to speak to anyone but specifically one person. I managed to avoid them until about 4 when they started phoning. I knew it was them but after about an hour of ringing I picked up the phone. Now somehow it's happened that I have to be somewhere at 10am tomorrow. Whatever

Imogen is now asleep in the travel cot. Louis is lay on the sofa watching Barney. I fucking hate this show. The kids are so strained and unnatural. I imagine pushy parents just out of scene promising treats/bribes and threatening punishments. It's one of those horrible shows like Tweenies where they try to show how kids are supposed to be. All the kids are SUPER cheerful, in plain primary coloured t-shirts, very kind and articulate, know and follow all the rules. And doesn't Demi Lovato look different? (I only know who she is because my step-daughter used to have the Disney channel on ALL the time when we lived together)

And yeah... I'm fucking hating being single. I keep being told 'but now you have the freedom to see other people'. What the fuck? When, how, and where? Yeah, I'll find a partner by sitting in my front room watching Barney. And doing the washing up, folding laundry, hoovering veggie burger off the floor does not satisfy my craving for sex. Being single with no social life is fucking shit.

There are some positive things in my life, of course. I'm just in a negative slump. Not loving my life at all. Which is actually rather shitty of me considering I have the most fantastic, clever, beautiful children ever. But whatever... I can't change my effed up brain... just have to live with it. *shrug*

Time for a drink and bed. Night

Ups and downs

2011-10-25T17:16:00.000+01:00

So yesterday was pretty fucking shit but today was better.

We all got out of bed at 630. Still dark. So wrong to be out of bed at that time when you have no real reason to. Anyway, we had marmite toast and weetabix, cartoon watching, and tidying. Then we all got dressed to go see the kids Dad. He had texted me the day before asked me to have the kids at his house by 10 so he could see them before work. I missed the 853 bus by a minute so had to wait for the 922. We made it to his house in time anyway.

We didn't stay long. Their Dad had enough time to tell me of some messages going between him and his family and go out for a fag. Before he even came back in we left. Yeah... wasnt very nice. I didn't have any reason to be over that side so I just walked over to the shops. I can't buy anything as I have no income and am living off a crisis loan I have tucked away in my purse. Then we walked to the playground and I let Louis play for a bit before I got the bus to Tesco.

We bought some bread and bits. I couldn't find tofu, one of Louis' favourite meals. I did get him some Quorn burgers for a treat and some soya yogurts. Then we had a half hour wait for the bus so I nipped back in to get Louis a drink. So much fun.

Then we made it home and I found I had a text from their Dad. I phoned him up. That went on for a while. back and forth. Again, *so much fun*. In the end it all calmed down and we decided he would come up here in the morning to see the kids and I'll stay upstairs.

So I spent the rest of the day tidying, cooking, tidying, feeding, tidying, changing nappies, getting dressed, and getting to sleep. Tea was lovely btw. At least I thought so... Louis didnt want anything but the plain rice so I gave him a mug of oat milk and a little soya yogurt so he wouldn't be hungry. Imogen loves broccoli.

Their Dad showed up the next day (today) at 1030. I finished tidying the kitchen and washing up then went upstairs. For the first time since I've moved into this house I was able to have a shower with the door closed, without a baby bouncing in the door screaming at me, without a 3 year old running up and down the stairs and crashing around in the living room probably destroying something. I milked it. I then leisurely dried my hair and got dressed *alone*. Seriously, that 45 minutes I had alone upstairs was needed. I then went back downstairs. Their Dad and I apologized to each other, had a little hug, then he said goodbye to the kids and left.

Louis and I then watched tele and he nursed whilst Imogen slept in the travel cot. I set the cot up under the stairs as I'm tired of holding her for her naps. I just have to make sure Louis stays quiet else she'll wake up.

Later I tried teaching Louis how to peddle on his bike but he just didnt get it. He kept peddling backwards and laughing his head off. So we gave up in the end. I put his bike inside, grabbed a tenner, and we walked to the Co-op. Louis had been begging to bake a cake for a few days so I thought I'd buy one of those boxed cake mixes.

We took the cake mix back home and set about baking. Imogen fell back asleep in the sling while I was mixing the batter. Louis loved it. He helped me measure the oil and water and pour it in. He counted the eggs. I managed to drop one on the floor which Louis promptly stood in. Now the cakes are cooling on the side, Louis is watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I'm finishing this up, and Imogen is sitting in my lap. Time to tidy up and get tea cooking.

Things I still need for my house:
Curtain poles and curtains
Net curtains and the wire to hold it up
A highchair
A drain rack
A bin
A mop and bucket
Measuring cups

I'll slowly gather those things once my money starts.

I've moved in now

2011-10-19T10:41:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm in now. In my own house that is. I got the keys a few weeks ago but there were no carpets and floors were just concrete, wooden boards, carpet grippers, nails, and staples. I could not have the children in that. But now the carpets are down and we are in.

Things are slowly coming together. Between appointments and running about I've managed to get the kitchen and front room looking decent. It's more or less reached a state that I'd be happy to invite people over.

Upstairs is still a wreck of junk shoved into corners. Imogen and I are sleeping on a single mattress on the floor with no bedding but Louis has a proper bed. I'll have to see about getting someone to help me move my bed up. We are also all sleeping in the same bedroom. It just while we get used to living here. I like keeping my kids close.

A few certain people are shocked that I don't have a cot for Imogen but really that is nothing I need. I didn't use one with Louis and I haven't yet used one with Imogen. The only reason I can think that having a cot would be nice is for naps and evenings. I dont feel safe putting Imogen to sleep upstairs on the floor where she can roll off or even crawl towards the stairs. So in the evenings I just keep her with me until I go up to bed. I don't mind this so much as she just sleeps in my lap or on the sofa whilst I fold laundry, watch tele, write, get on the netbook. I also keep getting told to put my kids onto a schedule or "routine". ha. yeah. riiiighhhhtt! I think what we're doing is more than fine.

I still don't have heating in this place despite my ringing to arrange the gas being turned on. To be honest I can't actually afford to turn the heating on at this point anyway. That's something that will have to be saved for the proper winter. So slippers, warm pyjamas, and dressing gowns it is. I do have an immersion heater so I was able to warm my cold fingers up yesterday by doing some washing up. Of course the shower has hot water but its so blasted cold in this house it makes for uncomfortable showering anyway.

Speaking of showers... It's time to strap Imogen into the door bouncer, supply Louis with snacks and tele, and get myself clean.

Thus ends the most bountifully boring blog post ever. ttfn

I was in a lazy mood today.

2011-08-08T21:49:00.000+01:00

So this morning Lou woke me up as usual. He came into my room and sat next to me playing his iPod games for a bit. He also watched a bit of Kerwhizz on the iPod as well. Imo was awake and just kicking around looking at her mobile next to me. I lay between the two kids slowly coming round for 15 minutes or so. Then we did the usual playing, tickling, giggling, rolling around we do every morning before eventually getting out of bed to get some food.

After breakfast I just wasn't in the mood to do the daily chores. I tidied a tiny bit but really didn't want to wash up. (Yeah... I leave washing up in the sink overnight...) So instead our morning mostly consisted of eating, playing, little bits of tidying, and dancing. I put on some music which Lou was really loving. At one point he shouted at me "Mommy! What is this song called?" I told him "It's called 'Fine Time' by New Order" and he shouted back "It's a really good song! Dance with me!" So we danced around the front room for a few minutes. It was awesome.

Later in the morning I thought I could get a shower in as Imo was so content in her bouncy chair and Lou will happily watch an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Uh. Wrong. Imo WAS happy until I moved her into the bathroom so I could keep an eye on her. So I turned the shower off but let Lou continue watching tele as I then went into the bedroom to try and nurse Imo to sleep. She slept... for all of 10 minutes. *sigh* Her naps were like that all day. Normally she has at least one very long nap and wakes up happy and well rested. Today she slept 3 times for 10-15 minutes each time. So I turned off the tele and we continued our morning of eating, playing, little bits of tidying, and dancing.

At lunchtime I decided to go ahead and get tea cooked and put in the fridge to save me cooking later. So I did that whilst Lou ate lunch and Imo sat in her chair. I also did the washing up, cleaned the kitchen, hoovered, etc. Then the kid's Dad came home at 2:20pm and I hopped in the shower.

Lou had a doctor's appointment at 3:40pm so we all walked up there. The doctor examined Lou's belly and gave us a pot to collect a poo sample. #tmi Then we set off back home. I was hoping Imo would sleep in the sling whilst we were out as she'd been awake since 7am. Nope. no sleeping. But she was still happy to sit in her chair once we got home.

Lou and I had our tea a bit early at 4:45 then after we baked banana bread muffins together. I only did muffins because I couldn't find my loaf tins anywhere. Lou "helped" a bit by mixing and pouring things in. He was really enjoying it and refused to leave the kitchen because he wanted to "finish my cooking!" He also kept playing with the dirty washing up though. The banana bread muffins turned out lovely. They are very very sweet and I think that's because I used bananas that had to be a mere 24 hours away from being completely rotten so were totally sweet. I also experimented and put a touch of maple syrup in the mix. mmm very nice. Lou and I enjoyed a muffin together then put on some music and danced around whilst I also tidied the the front room. I love dancing with that kid. He is so awesome.

Lou then got ready for bed and went off to watch the Polar Express with his Dad whilst I got Imo off to sleep. Since I started writing this she has woken up twice. hmm, I think she's just changing so much lately she's finding it hard to settle into a deep sleep. She really is blossoming these past few weeks. She is amazing.

So now I must put the muffins away before going to bed. I've nothing planned for tomorrow unless I manage to get the *sample* up to the GP before 1pm. Might just spend the morning in then have an afternoon walk to the park. We'll see how it goes.

:)

Today 07/08/2011

2011-08-07T21:54:00.000+01:00

Today I didn't do very much. Well, nothing super exciting.

Got up with Lou and Imo at 7. Im sat in her chair whilst I did Louis some Weetabix for breakfast. He loves normal Weetbix but thinks the sugary chocolate kind are disgusting. Strange kid. ;-) I had left over refried beans in a wrap and a bit of plain soya yogurt. I've never really cared for traditional breakfast food so I tend to eat last nights leftovers. Cold pizza is my all time favourite breakfast. mmm

The kid's Dad went back to bed asking to be woken in an hours time. I just left him for a couple hours because the kids and I were happy and I was getting plenty of cleaning done. I pottered about doing daily chores and I was just finishing the washing up when the kid's Dad woke up because Imo had just started fussing a bit.So I quickly wiped down the kitchen, scooped Im up and took her into the bedroom to have a nap.

Imo didn't sleep long. She sleepily nursed for about 10 minutes and just as I though I could sneak off she woke up and that was it... she wasn't going back to sleep. *sigh* So I brought her back into the living room to sit in her chair whilst I had a shower and got dressed.

I then got Imo slung up and Lou got into his buggy. We all went for a walk around the shops. Lou had a new Toy Story bed set because there was a sale on. I got some dark chocolate and yarn from Lidl and we bought new oven gloves as our old ones had holes in them. I also bought Lou some letter shaped cookie cutters. Um, we'll see how often those actually get used to make cookies... lol Both kids fell asleep as we were out and had a good nap. So taking advantage of them both being asleep we popped to Sainsburys as well.

When we got home it was time for a late snack type lunch. Lou insisted on having TWO soya toffee puddings so he did. I pretty much just let him have what he wants normally. ha.

I then set about doing more tidying/cleaning/organizing whilst stopping to change nappies and feed Imo.

Then Lou and did some playing on the floor. He was pretending to pop "massive bubbles". Every time he "popped" one Imo would laugh her head off. Lou was loving it. He was intentionally trying to make her laugh then would watch her. He would bend down to her with his hands on his knees and laugh along with her. I just sat there and watched. :-D :-D :-D Then Lou and I pretended to be various animals and characters. The one he liked best this evening was a dog. We were digging holes in the carpet, woofing, panting, etc. For a short bit he was "Mr. Lopart" and I was "Fluffy" from the show Handy Manny but then Lou decided he can't be "Mr. Lopart" unless he wears sunglasses. *shrug* I dunno... So we were cats, then monkeys, then dogs again, and then Lou went back to popping imaginary bubbles to make Imo laugh.

Then it was time to get ready for bed. Lou brushed his teeth and watched the Polar Express with his Dad whilst I nursed Imo to sleep. Once she was asleep I put a Lush face mask called "Cupcake" on for 10 mins. It was lovely. Smelled wonderful. :-) I then washed it off and went into Lou's room to nurse him to sleep. It didn't take long at all as he was so tired. He gets so sleepy watching Polar Express too. It's one of the few movies he'll actually sit still through. He LOVES it lately.

Imogen woke again and I settled her again whilst playing Tiny Tower on the iPod. I'm now out her blogging feeling a bit queasy after eating three oreos. :-( I feel wide awake but would really like to just go to bed now as I feel quite lonely this time of night.

Anyway, that was our day. :)

Worst Time of My Life - Saturday

2011-04-28T22:24:00.000+01:00

Thursday evening I was feeling fine. I little under the weather but was sitting on the sofa talking to my husband and feeding my baby. The next minute I said to my husband "Take her, I have to go" He took her and I ran to the bathroom. The pain was intense. I ended up on all fours in the bathroom crying. I asked my husband to phone an ambulance after a while of intense pain and crying. He was quite angry and made it clear this was very annoying. I ended up phoning 3 ambulances over the next 2 days.

The first one took me to A&E where upon I was told it was just a virus, go home, take some paracetamol, and have some rest. My Father in law thankfully gave me a lift home. I dont think I would have made it through a taxi ride at all.

The second one Friday late evening in just turned up the house, wrote some things down, then made me an appointment at the out of hours GP. So I went to see the GP and she gave me an antisickness injections and some codeine tablets. I have no idea how I was coping this point as I was carrying a bucket around with me everywhere being sick and crying. I took the codeine straight away, went home, and desperately tried to sleep. My Brother in law kindly took me up to the hospital and took me back home again.

2 hours later...!

I am up in the bathroom being violently sick and screaming in pain. I get in the shower hoping hot water on the pain will help. Nothing. I am screaming and screaming and crying. It was so much MUCH worse than natural childbirth. My husband was being horrible and telling me I was weak and that it was just a virus. That I needed to calm down and just go to bed. He also told me to shut up so they neighbours didn't think he was beating me. I knew he would never phone an ambulance. So I used every bit of strength I had to get to the phone and ring 999. I told them I need someone NOW, RIGHT NOW!

So they came and I was on all fours on the living room floor screaming with only a tiny tshirt on. Every time I was sick I weed a bit on the floor. I honestly didnt care at that point. I know they spoke to me a bit and then I was loaded up in the ambulance and taken to A&E again. When I got there I undid the straps on my trolley bed and was writhing around shouting HELP ME, PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME! to anyone who passed by.

They took me to a room and they asked me questions, took blood, did xrays, did ultrasounds, and finally after hours of being in pain that honestly made start wishing I was dead I was given Morphine and antisickness intravenously. It kicked in quickly enough and I managed to sleep for half an hour sort of sat up. I can't lay flat either on my back or side even now 5 days later.

In the meantime my husband showed up with my children. He quickly got frustrated and before I had the Morphine he was once again telling me to calm down and stop being so dramatic... it's just the virus he had last week and I'm being weak. (this was about 7am I think so you can see it took 6+ hours for me to get pain meds!!!!)

Then our 2.5 year old son started running around and messing with all the medical equipment. poor kid was in the most interesting environment ever probably. all these buttons and bleeps and wires and bright lights! So my husband took him to a nearby cafe and playground leaving my 8 week old daughter. I couldnt care for her before I had pain meds so even though she was screaming away in her carseat I was just sat in bed blocking everything out trying so hard to not panic. The nurses cameand took her. They were so so lovely with her. Cuddling and rocking. They even held her up to my breast a couple times so she could feed. I didnt even look at her whilst feeding. I just kept my eyes closed and focused on breathing and not completely freaking out.

Then when it was found I had pancreatitis they said they were going to admit me to the hospital. They originally tried to get me into post-natal so I could have Imogen with me full time and assistance with her. But the midwifes would not be able to look after me as my illness was out of their area. Then I was told I would be going to the Surgical floor. One of the nurses came in looking really gutted when she told me I couldnt keep Imogen with me. She said Imogen will probably need formula short term and she'll see about getting a special lactose free type and teaching my husband how to do it safely. Normally I would have been totally ranting saying 'NO, she IS NOT having formula' but the extreme pain and exhaustion took over and my only concern was me at that point. Yes, that's how extreme it was. I just OK. In my head I was thinking, the sooner they get the formula the sooner I can get the pain meds (as they told me I couldnt feed her once I had the Morph, which turned out the be RUBBISH). I don't feel selfish for it either and I don't think anyone would if they were in that kind of pain,

One of the nurses actually said very angrily "I'm going to have to have a word with someone about the fact that we can't cater for breastfeeding Mom."

The nurses were generally very lovely and the doctors too. BUT! There was one horrible doctor. He casually walked in as I was wretching so hard I thought my heart or eyes or something would crack or explode. He immediately started pushing me down on the bed aggressively saying "No no, stop that, youre not sick, you don't need to be sick, stop that now." in the most patronising way. I HAD to be sick. I couldn't stop it! Then he made me lay back flat even though that made the pain worse and he asked me where the pain was. I couldnt even speak so i just pointed below my ribcage and all over my belly. He then started poking around which made me cry hard. When he poked a particularly tender but I yelled out and he looked down and me and said "No no, You can't complain about that because that's not where you said the pain was." At that I shouted "STOP BEING LIKE THAT!" I wish I had said something more specific and colourful. He was awful. Then he just walked away and left me. Later on I was in my room alone and had no idea what was going on or anything... when I was next going to see someone. So I started shouting out the door. I was being polite enough. Just "Hello? Can someone help me? Please? Helloooo?" He was the only one who could see me and he heard me every time. I know because he was sat at a desk just beside my door. He looked up at me, looked me in the eyes several times then carried on sitting there at the desk. I finally shouted "I know you can hear me!!" He continued to ignore me completely. Someone on A&E who was obviously there with a relative had heard me and tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at me. He just nodded and carried on. I began to cry feeling so confused and alone. Finally another friend/relative on A&E heard me, ran into my room, and said "I'll get you a nurse" so nurse finally did come and explain what was happening to me. I HATE HATE HATE that doctor.

So, anyway, my baby was put on on Nutramigen. My MIL bought a tin at Boots for £22!!! Fucking expensive and a tin has lasted about 4 days!!!! My MIL also got some Tommee Tippee Closer to Nature bottles as she said they were better for breastfed babies (it says it on the box). I think the whole "Closer to Nature" thing is a marketing gimic but I was really touched she thought of that.

She apparently took the bottle well from the beginning and is now doing well on it though I am extremely keen to get her off. and I WILL!

Anyway, I was rolled up to the Surgical unit in my bed. I can remember much after that TBH. It might be my exhaustion right now as I have been writing for quite a long time.

So this what happened Saturday. The beginning of the worst time of my life.

shit, I'm pregnant.

2010-09-21T23:47:00.000+01:00

So this is one emotion/reaction I feel about being pregnant.

I was just laying in bed thinking about random things. Bed time is usually a time of anxiety, stress, worry, and constant tossing and turning. I usually lay there thinking about my life and beating myself up until I fall asleep through sheer exhaustion.

Anyway, I was just laying there. The images of my baby's 12 week scan came into my mind. I can recall them fairly clearly. Then Louis' twelve week scan came into my head. It hit me then that I actually have two separate 12 week baby scan pictures to compare. Two different lives. Shit. Then it really hit me that, fucking hell, I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a baby. No really, like, give birth, and have a tiny squishy little baby nursing 24/7 again. oh... my... goodness. I'm pregnant. wtf is going on... am I really doing this again? now?

That's honestly how I feel. I've been in such denial about it all. Like it's all just a game or fantasy that I can sort of laugh off. It's slowly starting to sink in and sometimes I get these moments where it just smacks me across the face. After a few short minutes of being shocked I tend to shut down and shut it all out because I don't have the brain power to process what it means to be pregnant at the moment.

This is why I'm writing right now. Normally I would have shut it all out of my mind, thought about something else for a bit, then fell asleep. Everything I felt or thought would have been erased in the night... or at least tucked away in the corner of my mind. So tonight I got up, got the netbook, and started typing. Just to get it down, share, nothing epic or mind blowing, just thought it important for memory's sake. I'll probably appreciate reading this again once Baby is here.

I don't want anyone reading this to get the impression that I don't want this baby. No. Just understand that sometimes things are more complicated than "Yay! I'm pregnant! Cutie baby awww I can't wait. this is awesome!" and it's OK to feel like this. (have to keep telling myself this)

Hello Blog, How ya been?

2010-09-19T10:37:00.000+01:00

So I think I'll start using this again. It won't be anything serious but I'd like a blog for just general stuff. I have a private one I use to write about very dark things but I want to be able to share the positive things in my life with more people.

I deleted the majority of my past posts. A fresh start is a good idea.

So what's been happening? Well, Louis has had his second birthday. He's now talking in full sentences and is really not a baby any more. Speaking of babies, I'm pregnant. Yep. I'm 18 weeks today. It's going by so so quickly! I'll write more about pregnancy and baby stuff in here as well.

Here are some recent pictures:

Shopping and a big WTF

2009-10-06T13:35:00.004+01:00

My husband and I decided to walk around the shops today. We were browsing around the shop and I went on ahead of him a bit. I heard a man talking to a shop assistant then heard them walk off.When I turned the corner I saw something shocking.

There was a baby laying on the hard floor of the shop. Just laying there, crying. I called my husband over and he started looking around that corner of the shop for anyone who the baby might belong to. This baby looked about 4 months old to me. We saw nobody there for the 3-4 minutes we were standing by this baby who was still lay on the floor, still crying.

After the few minutes a man and the shop assistant walked back over towards the baby. They continued to talk while looking at products on the shelf and even walked off again. Leaving the baby on the floor, still crying.

The man finally came back again and after chatting to the shop assistant for a few more minutes, picked the baby up.

I mean... WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

What kind of person just puts their baby onto a cold hard shop floor and WALKS OFF!!! For several minutes, more than once.

My husband just stood there shaking his head staring at the man until he finally picked the baby back up.

What's even worse is there seems to have been no reason to need to put the baby down at all. The man had nothing in his hands, he was just talking to the shop assistant.

How unimportant is this baby that he was just left on the floor while his carer walks off to do some shopping? All I can do is shake my head and think 'what the hell?'

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-19T13:29:00.002+01:00